Week Two Newsletter

[Soriambi]

JACKS MUST BE JACKED UP; BEAT SQUEAKS 274-184

THE FOREST: The Lumberjacks methodically chopped the Squeaks to pieces last week, having a very solid week while the Squeaks struggled.

The Lumberjacks only had one hitter (David Wright) score under 10 points, and had four pitchers score over 15 points. Kevin Saarloos had an awful week for the Jacks, scoring -12 in two starts, but Roy Halladay’s 48 points and Scot Shields’ 30 points out of the pen more than made up for it.

Clint Barmes again led the offense with 33 points, going 8-20 with 2 HR and 6 RBI. Chone Figgins and Craig Monroe also both scored over 20.

For the Squeaks, things were far less…good. Jeff Kent sparkled again with 31.5 points, thanks to a 6-17 week with 3 HR and 5 RBI, and Derek Jeter managed 20.5, but the Squeaks leading pitcher was John Patterson, who scored 32 points thanks to a great 7 IP. Mark Prior also threw six solid innings in his 2004 debut. Sidney Ponson crushed any chances the Squeaks had with a -19 point week, and Nate Robertson didn’t help with -5. Joel Pineiro also debuted, scoring 0 points. Brad Lidge only threw one inning for the Squeaks, striking out all three hitters.

PLAYER OF THE GAME: Roy Halladay, LUM, 48 Points

HITTER OF THE GAME: Clint Barmes LUM, 33 Points


PATRICK SOMEHOW MANAGES TO SQUEEZE A W OUT OF HIS “TEAM”, 219.5-160.5 OVER SPRINGFIELD

SPRINGFIELD- How he did it, we’ll never know, but patrick o. has already gotten a win out of one of the worst drafted teams in baseball history.

He did so even though Hideo Nomo and BY Kim combined got him -30 points. Jake Peavy was good with 27 points, Francisco Cordero got him 21, and Barry Zito finally pitched well, getting him 23 points. Sammy Sosa had a good week for patrick, netting the Truth 34 points. Melvin Mora also scored over 30, with 32.5. Bruce Chen scored 43 points on the bench for the Truth.

Springfield had four players score negative points: Armando Benitez, Paul Byrd, Mark Mulder (whom Flanders has to be somewhat concerned about), and Brian Lawrence. Luis Gonzalez scored 20.5 points, Scott Rolen 19.5, and Juan Uribe 18.5.

PLAYER OF THE GAME: Sammy Sosa, TNT, 33 points

PITCHER OF THE GAME: Ryan Wagner, SPR, 28 points


SLUGGERS LOOK STRONG IN SLAUGHTERING WOODIES, 346-249.5

PHILLY- The Woodies played well enough to win, but they ran into Pete’s team early, which is when he hasn’t traded his good players away yet.

Todd Helton can still play better than his 29.5 points, though it was a good week for him. Jose Vidro led the offense with 35.5 points thanks to a 8-18 week with a HR and 8 RBI. Vinny Castilla also produced for the Sluggers with 2 HR and 33 points. Mark Buehrle dominated the game, scoring 53 points in a CG SHO 3-hitter, striking out 12. John Lieber and Jeremy Bonderman also threw exceptionally well for the Sluggers.

For the Guys with Wood, Mike Hampton allowed one run in 16 innings, winning once and (obviously) getting two QSs. He only struck out three in the 16 innings, though, which meant that he “only” scored 52 points. Bartolo Colon pitched 7 innings of 2-hit ball, scoring 32, and Zach Greinke scored 20 points. Doug Davis added 24. usually, when four of a team’s five starters score 20 points or more, that team is in pretty good shape, but Jason Johnson negated them some with a -17 point performance. Mark Teixiera led the offense with 25.5 points.

Player of the Game: Mark Buehrle, TUG, 53 Points

Hitter of the Game: Jose Vidro, TUG, 35.5 points




WAI TO TEAM: “THANK GOODNESS FOR AJ BURNETT.” BURNETT LEADS WOLVIES TO WIN OVER EMPIRE.

THE DEATH STAR- A.J. Burnett single-handedly won the game for the Michigan Wolverines. The Wolverines won 280-262, with 77 of their points coming from Burnett, who threw two CGs in the week allowing only 4 ER, recording 2 QSs and 2 Ws. Rich Harden and Brandon Webb also pitched very well, but the offense wasn’t outstanding, with its’ leading scorer, Albert Pujols, scoring only 23.5 points.

The Empire got good pitching from Juan Rincon (22) and BJ Ryan (21) in the pen, but Julian Tavarez scored -11. SP wise, Perez and Jason Westbrook had solid efforts. On offense, Jason Lane scored 33 points, going 8-27 with 3 HR and 8 RBI, Pedro Feliz managed 30.5, and Gary Sheffield scored 28 with a .500 average in the week.

PLAYER OF THE GAME: AJ Burnett, MIC, with 77 points.

HITTER OF THE GAME: Jason Lane, EMP, with 33 points.


LOUS LARRUP IN MARAUDERS; SEND MIKO INTO CURSING FIT

SOMEWHERE IN CANADIA- NO ONE CARES EXACTLY WHERE, BUT IT’S
NEAR A MOOSE- The Larrupin’ Lous came back and defeated the Marauders last week, 301.5-285.5.

Solid pitching by Adam Eaton, Jeff Weaver, and Kaz Ishii led the Lous, who also got solid offensive efforts from Lew Ford, Vladimir Guerrero, and Jimmy Rollins.

Eaton allowed only three earned runs in 12 innings, recording 2 QSs.

The Marauders wasted another CG SHO from Dontrelle Willis, who threw a 3 hit shutout, striking out 7 and racking up 50 points. Eric Milton scored 31 points and Chad Cordero and Braden Looper put up 16 each. Jose Guillen hit 3 HR while racking up 28.5 points.

PLAYER OF THE GAME: Dontrelle Willis, MAR, 50 Points


ICE WIN GAME OF THE WEEK VS. NAUGHTIES, 243.5 TO 238.5

NEWBURGH- Brian Roberts, at five foot nine, might not be the biggest player in the world, but he took the rest of the Italian Ice team on his back and carried them to victory last week.

Roberts scored 49.5 points, continuing an MVP like two weeks with a .500 average (12-24), 2 HR, 8 RBI, 6 SB, and other stuff. Roberts was helped out on offense by Ichiro Suzuki who scored 30.5 points, and by the excellent pitching of the Ice?s starters, with Johan Santana (28), Al Leiter (26), Chan Ho Park (24), and Gil Meche (21) all scoring over 20 points.

For the Naughties, Jason Marquis pitched 14.1 innings allowing only 2 ER,
picking up 2 Ws and two QSs along the way on his was to 58 points. Luis
Castillo and Trot Nixon both scored 22.5 points on offense, and David Wells (28 points), and the bullpen, especially Joe Nathan (17) and J.C. Romero (15) played fairly well.

Player of the Game: Brian Roberts, 2B, ICE, 49.5 points. (New rule?for a
pitcher to overcome the winning team?s best HITTER, they must score 15 or more points more, if I feel like giving it to them.)

Pitcher of the Game: Jason Marquis, NEW, 58 points.


KOLB ALMOST PULLS IT OUT FOR LIGERS; THEY FALL TO LOOKALIKES 340-238.5

CALIFORNIA- After a blowout of the somewhat legendary Michigan Wolveringes last week, the Ligers were brought back to earth by the Nomo Longnames, who recorded their first win in franchise history. Danny Kolb pitched his heart out for the Ligers and scored -17 points, but it just wasn?t enough to overcome the 100+ point deficit.

Brett Myers and Derek Lowe did a good portion of the work for the Lookalikes. Myers pitched 13.2 innings of scoreless baseball, giving up only seven hits in the span and striking out 13 on his way to 55 points. Derek Lowe pitched a CG 3-hit Shutout while striking out five, which was good for 48 points. Kiko Calero and Billy Wagner both scored over 20 points to make up for Jeff Frasor's -4, and Matt Clement made a good effort with a 25 point start. The Lookalikes offense was led by three players, all of whom scored 25.5 points: Carl Crawford, Milton Bradley, and Alfonso Soriano.

Roger Clemens once again pitched brilliantly for the Ligers, scoring 32 points in seven innings of 2-hit ball, striking out 9. Jose Mesa and Ryan Madson managed 30 points combined, bringing the bullpen?s net points up to 13 points. Manny Ramirez is beginning to heat up, scoring 27 points for the Ligers, and Rafael Furcal (33 points, thanks to 3 HRs), Edgardo Alfonzo (28),and Ivan Rodriguez (28.5) kept this one from being one of the biggest lopsided scores in league history.

Player of the Game: Brett Myers, NOM, 55 Points
Hitter of the Game: Rafael Furcal, LIG, 33 Points.


CLIVE DOESN?T LOOK ALIVE AFTER SECOND STRAIGHT DIVISION DISSAPOINTMENT, LOSING TO SWINGERS

WHEREVER SCOTT BORAS LIVES?- Saxmania's Swingers recorded their first win of the season, 260-226 last week, despite the travel involved. When asked why his team is usually so successful playing in America, he stated, "We can?t get any tea and crumpets over here, and there?s no cricket on TV. Pisses us off. We play better. Be seeing you, Saxmania."

It apparently didn't piss any member of his team in particular off, as the
highest scorer on the Swingers, Hank Blalock, managed only 27.5 points thanks to a 11-29 week with 2 HR. Up and down the lineup, though, it was just very solid. Every player in the entire lineup other than Jim Thome (shockingly), Erik Bedard, and Brian Fuentes scored at least 10 points.Only two scored over 20. (Blalock and Livan Hernandez, who had 25.)

For the Holdouts, Mike Maroth was their bright spot, which is saying something. He had two decent outings, scoring 35 points total. Joe Mays scored 25 points, Keith Foulke scored 21, and offense contributors included Chipper Jones (26.5), Orlando Cabrera (24), and..yeah, those guys.

The Holdouts will try to be better this week, when the face the undefeated
Gigawatts.

Player of the Game: Hank Blalock, SAX, 27.5 points
Pitcher of the Game: Mike Maroth, BOR, 35 points


GIGAWATTS BEAT THE MAN, WOOOOOOOO

THE FUTURE- Doc?s 1.21 Gigawatts not only beat the man last week but
completely demolished him, beating the 4 Horsemen 305.5-153.

The Gigawatts were smart (extremely freaking lucky) to start Gustavo Chacin, who gave up two runs in 14 innings on his way to 51 points. Roy Oswalt had a QS for 29 points, and Ben Sheets had one as well for 24 points. Jason Isringhausen scored 27 in relief. Shea Hillenbrand (33.5) and Michael Young (32.5) led the Watts offense.

Imagine if the Horsemen hadn?t gotten a good week from Miguel Tejada. Tejada scored 41 of the Horsemen?s 153 points, going 9-24 with 3 HR and 13 RBI. Other than him, the pickings were slim. Only one other player was over 20 points (Juan Pierre with 21), and only one other offensive player was over 10 points. Four pitchers were over 10 points, but Dewayne Brazelton scored -13, wiping out one of those. It was just a horrible week for BANZAIMATSUI, who commented on the game by saying, ?wooooo.?

Player of the Game: Gustavo Chacin, DOC, 51 Points
Hitter of the Game: Miguel Tejada, T4H, 41 Points

YANKSAGAIN MAKES RHODE KILL OUT OF BOMBERS.

NEW YORK- When Rhode Kill put up 100+ points on day one the Bombers knew they were in trouble. The Kill scored 293.5 points despite the -1 point pitching performance by their ace, Jason Schmidt. Tim Wakefield allowed one run in 13 IP to pick up the slack, scoring 52 points, and Mike Redman (38 points) and Freddy Garcia (29) pitched well as well. Derek Lee scored 30.5 points and Edgar Renteria had a good week with 29.

The Bombers got good starts from Tim Hudson, Pedro Martinez and Jamie Moyer, and 20+ points out of Kevin Millwood in two starts, but the offense was poor, with no player scoring over 15 points. They managed only 2 HR as a team all week.

Player of the Game: Tim Wakefield, RHO, 52 Points
Hitter of the Game: Derek Lee, RHO, 30.5 Points.



TOP TEN OFFENSIVE SCORERS OF THE WEEK
1) Brian Roberts, Italian Ice, 49.5
2) Miguel Tejada, The 4 Horsemen, 41.0
3) Jose Vidro, Tugger’s Sluggers, 35.5
4) Sammy Sosa, The Naked Truth, 34.0
5) Shea Hillenbrand, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 33.5
6) Clint H. Barmes, The Lumberjacks, 33.0
6) Vinny Castilla, Tugger’s Sluggers, 33.0
6) Jason Lane, Evil Empire, 33.0
6) Rafael Furcal, The Ligers, 33.0
10) Michael Young, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 32.5
10) Melvin Mora, The Naked Truth, 32.5

TOP FIFTEEN OFFENSIVE SCORERS ON THE SEASON
1) Brian Roberts, Italian Ice, 86.0
2) Jeff Kent, New York Squeaks, 79.0
3) Derrek Lee, Rhode Kill, 68.0
4) Miguel Tejada, The 4 Horsemen, 64.0
5) Clint H. Barmes, The Lumberjacks, 62.5
6) Edgardo Alfonzo, The Ligers, 59.5
7) Joe Randa, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 58.0
8) Shea Hillenbrand, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 57.5
9) Michael Young, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 57.0
10) Todd Helton, Tugger’s Sluggers, 55.0
11) Ichiro Suzuki, Italian Ice, 54.5
12) Eric Hinske, Michigan Wolverines, 53.0
12) Jose Vidro, Tugger’s Sluggers, 53.0
14) Pat Burrell, NY Bombers, 52.5
14) Pedro Feliz., Evil Empire, 52.5

TOP TEN PITCHERS OF THE WEEK (OVERALL)
1) A.J. Burnett, Michigan Wolverines, 77.0
2) Ryan Franklin, The 4 Horsemen, 66.0
3) Jason Marquis, Newburgh Naughties, 58.0
4) Brett Myers, Nomo Lookalikes Who Sell Pizza in the Pavilions, 55.0
5) Mark Buehrle, Tugger’s Sluggers, 53.0
6) Mike Hampton, Guys with Wood, 52.0
6) Tim Wakefield, Rhode Kill, 52.0
8) Gustavo Chacin, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 51.0
9) Dontrelle Willis, The Marauders, 50.0
10) Aaron Heilman, Evil Empire, 49.0

TOP FIFTEEN PITCHERS OF THE YEAR:
1) Pedro Martinez, NY Bombers, 99.0
2) Dontrelle Willis, The Marauders, 94.0
3) A.J. Burnett, Michigan Wolverines, 93.0
4) Mark Buehrle, Tugger’s Sluggers, 92.0
5) Josh Beckett, The 4 Horsemen, 91.0
6) Brett Myers, Nomo Lookalikes Who Sell Pizza in the Pavilions, 77.0
7) Roy Halladay, The Lumberjacks, 75.0
8) Jason Marquis, Newburgh Naughties, 73.0
9) Derek Lowe, Nomo Lookalikes Who Sell Pizza in the Pavilions, 72.0
9) Tim Wakefield, Rhode Kill, 72.0
11) Johan Santana, Italian Ice, 70.0
12) Gustavo Chacin, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 68.0
13) Ryan Franklin, The 4 Horsemen, 67.0
14) Roger Clemens, The Ligers, 65.0
15) Mike Hampton, Guys with Wood, 65.0

TOP 3 RP OF THE WEEK:
1) Scot Shields, The Lumberjacks, 30.0
2) Ryan Wagner, Springfield Nuclear Powerplant, 28.0
3) Jason Isringhausen, Doc’s 1.21 Gigawatts, 27.0

TOP 5 RP OVERALL:
1) Brad Lidge, New York Squeaks, 39.0
1) Juan Rincon, Evil Empire, 39.0
1) Scot Shields, The Lumberjacks, 39.0
1) Ryan Wagner, Springfield Nuclear Powerplant, 39.0
5) Rafael Betancourt, Rhode Kill, 37.0
5) Joe Nathan, Newburgh Naughties, 37.0

[Big_E]

Originally Posted by Soriambi

Solid pitching by Adam Eaton, Jeff Weaver, and Kaz Ishii led the Marauders, who also got solid offensive efforts from Lew Ford, Vladimir Guerrero, and Jimmy Rollins.

Eaton allowed only three earned runs in 12 innings, recording 2 QSs.

Ummm...those are all LARRUPIN' LOU'S players!

[JDPNYY]

Originally Posted by Big_E

Ummm...those are all LARRUPIN' LOU'S players!

Not anymore. Steve made a mistake.

[Stupid Flanders]

Originally Posted by JDPNYY

Not anymore. Steve made a mistake.

Oh man

[Big_E]

Originally Posted by JDPNYY

Not anymore. Steve made a mistake.

[Coney36]

Um, the Death Star?

[PinstripePride]

Originally Posted by Soriambi

PATRICK SOMEHOW MANAGES TO SQUEEZE A W OUT OF HIS “TEAM"

they ran into Pete’s team early, which is when he hasn’t traded his good players away yet.

the Nomo Longnames

GIGAWATTS BEAT THE MAN, WOOOOOOOO

Awesome work Kevin. The above lines had me rolling.


And I'd also like to add the Roy Halladay, Clint Barmes, and Scot Sheilds are my heroes.

[BANZAIMATSUI]

The Commish seems to take particular joy in pointing out my Horsemen's difficulties this week. We will remember that!! Diamonds are forever and so are the Horsemen woooooooooooo.

[Saxmania]

Nice write-up once more. Yes, my boys do get antsy when they can't follow the bold exploits of Marcus Trescothick, Andrew Strauss, and Freddy Flintoff as they fend off seaming googlies and sweep at silly mid-ons. But the line about being somewhere near a moose was the pinnacle of the piece, to my way of thinking.

Be seeing you,

Saxmania

[patrick.o]

Originally Posted by Saxmania

Yes, my boys do get antsy when they can't follow the bold exploits of Marcus Trescothick, Andrew Strauss, and Freddy Flintoff as they fend off seaming googlies and sweep at silly mid-ons.

All these years I've been wrong. Apparently, I don't actually speak English.

[Soriambi]

Originally Posted by BANZAIMATSUI

The Commish seems to take particular joy in pointing out my Horsemen's difficulties this week. We will remember that!! Diamonds are forever and so are the Horsemen woooooooooooo.

I'm going to have some fun this week, too.

[miko]

Originally Posted by Soriambi

I'm going to have some fun this week, too.

Now who is replying to last week's threads? Get your crap together commish!!!!!

[JDPNYY]

Originally Posted by miko

Now who is replying to last week's threads? Get your crap together commish!!!!!

We'll be getting the Week 3 Newsletter, when - Thursday? Friday?

[miko]

Originally Posted by JDPNYY

We'll be getting the Week 3 Newsletter, when - Thursday? Friday?

In Week 5 - then Kevin can make fun of everyone that posted in a thread from the previous week.

[Soriambi]

Originally Posted by JDPNYY

We'll be getting the Week 3 Newsletter, when - Thursday? Friday?

Probably tonight, possibly tomorrow.