High Cheese: It's quiz time

[Carissa]

This made me laugh.



High Cheese: It's quiz time
http://www.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/ne...ls&team_id=mlb
By Troy E. Renck
MLB.com

DENVER -- So I am sitting at a friend's house-warming party a few weeks back talking about the decline of Western civilization in between swigs of beer and glances at Britney Spears' MTV diary, when the conversation naturally turns to sports.

Man's yearning to gab about games dates back millions of years to the shaggy-pelt, Ted Nugent-bad hair days when the first primitive guy clubbed a rock out of the cave with an inside-out swing.

On this sun-kissed evening, highlighted by syllable conservation, the main topic is baseball. Given the time of year, everyone steps into the hormone-raging debate as if it were a batting-practice fastball.

One of the hosts, a former ballplayer, raises his voice above the grunts and harrumphs and announces his allegiance to the Colorado Rockies. "They are going to the World Series someday," he chimes slightly louder than a Metallica sound check.

His reason? That one dude, you know, the pitcher, "Mike Frampton."

Because the cooler behind the bar is too empty to be polite, laughter litters the air.

"I think you mean Mike Hampton," I respond, trying to Show (him) The Way without sounding as smug as Alex Trebek. But before the correction can be conceded, the other revelers, because they are friendly and know that a five-course oriental cuisine dinner awaits upstairs, quickly come to the guy's defense.

"He was talking about a hybrid. A pitcher who is music to your ears," one of his buddies asserts.

OK, Mark "Cuckoo, Cuckoo" Fydrich, whatever you say -- wink, wink. At this point, one thing was certain. The Little Green Martians in the Roswell, N.M., trailer park had turned off their wiretaps -- no world secrets would be leaked at this think keg.

Anyway, this simple faux pas hatched an idea that is sure to make me rich. Or at least provide me with enough cash to afford a tie in GQ. Interested to find out just how much you all know about baseball, I have created a test. The scores won't reveal everything, only who has good sense of humor, intelligence, and you know, who really, really, likes Mike Frampton.

Prime the fuel pump on that mouse. It's pop quiz time.

When you first saw the hairdo under Mets catcher Mike Piazza's lid, your first reaction was:

• Billy Idol is back on tour? Who knew? (+5 points).
• Somewhere there is a Pert shampoo executive cringing in pain as he delivers his company's new slogan: Hair today, gone tomorrow. (+0)
• I like it. It reminds me of Vanilla Ice (-5).

While soaking in the brilliance that is the Seattle Mariners, you realize that:

• Star outfielder Ichiro Suzuki will be to the American League Rookie of the Year award what Chris Weinke was to the Heisman trophy. (+5)
• Manager Lou Piniella has the most rugged day-late shave look since Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven.(+0)
• Because of his wild popularity, the Mariner Moose is going to get the cold shoulder from Rudolph, Dasher and Prancer at the North Pole Christmas party. (-5)

A fitting tribute in Cal Ripken's last game would be to play:

• Nothing -- and allow the crowd to shower him with the type of standing ovation that spawns camera flashes and goosebumps. (+5)
• Green Day's Time of Your Life. (+0)
• 'NSYNC's Bye, Bye, Bye. (-5)

Watching San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds stalk history reminds you that:

• Those who say that football is what we are and baseball is what we were -- don't know a damn thing. Really, what's more perfect than cracking peanuts and munching a hot dog while Bonds cracks homers and devours opposing pitchers? (+5)
• Major League Baseball should make neck braces standard equipment for pitchers with ERAs above 5.00. (+0)
• If you had 200 of Bonds' maple bats you could make a really pretty dresser for your wife's birthday. (-5)

Roger Clemens is reason No. 1,245 to dislike the New York Yankees because:

• At age 38, he's turning batters into human windmills en route to his sixth Cy Young, while the only time you strike out is at the bar. (+5)
• He taunts us mortals and rubs our face in his stardom by having kids whose names all start with the letter K. (+0)
• The club allows him to cut off contact with the press the day before he starts. As far as scribes are concerned, silence by stars should have ended with Charlie Chaplin. (-5)

Instead of facing Arizona ace Randy "Big Unit" Johnson, you'd rather:

• Place gold caps on a King Cobra's fangs. (+5)
• Wear OP corduroy shorts, a cut-off-at-the-navel T-shirt and leg warmers while telling the guys at the gym that Footloose is based on your life story. (+0)
• Vacuum the living room a third time because you know how much your mother-in-law likes those triangular shapes in the carpet so much. (-5)

When Nolan Ryan, if only briefly, lost his cool during a game several years ago, he tried to steer wrestle:

• Robin Ventura. (+5)
• Jesse The BodyVentura. (+0)
• A four-door Acura. (-5)

If the ace of the staff tells you that he excels at pitching backwards, it means:

• obvious hitters' counts, he throws his changeup and curveball, keeping the opposing lineup off balance. (+5)
• t if he continues at his current pace, he will be in Class-A ball before the season is over. (+0)
• wears his jersey with the name in the front as some sort of tribute to the abandoned hip-hop duo Kris Kross. (-5)

As San Diego future Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn takes batting practice, you:

• Pinch yourself because you are a witness to genius. (+5)
• Think you haven't seen this many singles since Temptation Island.(+0)
• Believe your friend when he tells you that the "5.5 hole" is a distant cousin of the San Andreas Fault. (-5)

There is little that Rickey Henderson hasn't done in his career, but he will be best remembered:

• For being one of the greatest baseball players ever after leaving as the all-time leader in walks, runs and stolen bases. (+5)
• For talking in the third person. (+0)
• For his smash hit "Livin' La Vida Loca." (-5)

If you scored higher than 40, you probably honeymooned at Cooperstown and shredded your divorce papers at The Field of Dreams in Iowa. If you racked up somewhere around 25, you have smarts, but not enough to be jerk about it. And finally, if you finished below this test's Mendoza Line -- the big fat zero -- when the conversation turns to baseball entertain your friends with your impression of an earthworm.

Troy E. Renck is the site reporter for ColoradoRockies.com. High Cheese runs every Thursday on MLB.com.

[TinoFan84]

Thanks for the laughs . . . that's a good one.

[jiffyjeff]

VERY funny

[CaptainCargo]

Eeeh.